wow it's been so long since the last time I talked about myself huh.. Yeah I gotta admit that Kpop has brought me into a new life and daily habit.. of course being a medstudent also gives me very little time to enjoy myself sitting and writing my blog like this. However, everyone needs some times to write out their feeling, otherwise people may be depressed and in the end, exploding.
I always know there's something wrong in my life; it's imbalance. I never can be really happy nor really sad and I also never get too deep into a relationship eg. friendship. I try to keep all in normal stage so I won't be reckless or hurt. Life like this feels void sometimes, but in many ways it's secure. I always know that life is upside down. The moment you enjoy the happiness is the moment you get ready to face the opposite. The higher your joy, the more painful you will feel when life sinks you into the hole. Thus I need to always remember to not laugh or cry too hard. However, I still can't feel comfortable. There's always time I get jealous over people's happiness and love. They can enjoy it truthfully, and are brave enough to face the down.
From the what looks like a strong way of life, I begin to question myself: are you running away from life's bitterness? are you afraid of facing the break and reality? because of the bitter past, I learned that some friends are not like how I expect the true ones would be.. I felt the bitter part of a relationship, and though it's still hard to admit, I'm afraid of having a new one.. no, not having, even starting feels tiring for me.. for all this time, I thought I still can't let go but now, I think it's my way to hide my coward soul.. Call me stupid for longing so long over a 4-months-crush but that was the first time I really let myself loose and give away all my feeling to something. It's possible to be the last time I really trust someone too.
You can laugh at me for being such a coward and silly but the first time I let loose was the first time I got hurt.. well, quite deeply.. you may say I chose the wrong person to put my trust on but I'm not good at choosing people so it's better for me to keep my guard on.. Idk for how long.. maybe till I can find back my courage to trust people once more..
well blabbering enough.. time to sleep and dream a hopefully happy one..
